The Darkest Night of Summer/Paradise Lost/Summer’s Silent Secret

This afternoon I met with the surgeon. I am having a mastectomy as soon as I can book it it. I also need to book scans to find out if there is spread. I am exhausted. I feel like I’ve been tumbled around for weeks and I know that there is a long, hard journey ahead.

There are some small silver linings - some things that I have to be thankful for.

I received a phone call the other day when I was at work. It was a lady from the Hunter Breast Cancer Foundation. She introduced herself and asked me what I needed. I must admit was blown away. I had been referred to them by my surgeon’s office I think. They offered me a whole range of services to support me over the next few months. They are sending me a care package full of body products that are chemo friendly, a big fresh box of organic fruit and vegetables on the Monday after I get home from hospital, I will have a fortnightly house cleaner for as long as I need it and my lawns and gardens will be mowed as an ongoing service. I can’t begin to express my gratitude. I feel like I don’t deserve all these things!

Feb 17

Today was awful - I woke up exhausted. It was a terrible night’s sleep but more than that I just felt exhausted. I feel like I’ve been running this marathon for six weeks now with no reprieve and the race hasn’t even really started. I dressed for school and made it in time for the staff meeting. I had bought my scan referrals and the numbers to call to book my mastectomy at 9am. As the meeting finished and time came for me to make the calls, I couldn’t do it and ended up in a flood of tears at the staff room table. My workmates were amazing. I couldn’t be surrounded by more caring people. I was sent home by the principal. As I was driving home (still crying) I had a call. It was a Breast Care nurse from the McGrath foundation - the surgeon had referred me to them yesterday. I couldn’t have been sent a more perfect moment by the universe. I drove aimlessly around the back streets while she talked me through the crisis. She invited me to come in to the clinic tomorrow to help me get my head around what was happening and talk me through what is coming. She also offered to take care of booking the scans for me. I went home and sat in tears on the couch while Mum made me green tea and Dad talked me round. I spent the afternoon sewing. It was not what I felt like doing - actually I didn’t feel like doing anything but making myself move forward is helping.

Feb 18

I booked my surgery this morning. I’m going in on 11th March. I’m lucky enough to have private health cover so I’ll be going to a private hospital. The doctor gave me two options - he could see me as a private patient and I’d have my surgery in two weeks or as a public patient and my surgery would be in about six weeks. It was an easy decision. I have to get this done as soon as possible.

I sent Krysta a picture of the dress and we’re going to shoot on Sunday! I’m not ready but I need to do this now! The dress is looking amazing but the wig is not working yet and I have no leaves for my jungle! Mum, Marcie and I decided to go out on a driving mission to find a bird of paradise plant and some monsterio leaves. It was a rainy morning and we drove around and around, finally finding a big bird of paradise plant in a park. We walked the dogs casually past it and taking out the knife we had bought along, I removed armfuls of leaves and a flower. The other flowers, I discovered were hiding an enormous paper wasp nest and I had to run as I disturbed them and they came swarming out.

Throwing the leaves in the back of the car, we headed home and decided to have a look along a walking track near my house. We found some enormous monsterio leaves which we cut off and held over our heads as umbrellas walking back to the car laughing histerically at the ridiculous scene the unsuspecting joggers were stumbling across. My bathtub is now full of jungle leaves and the odd spider.

Meeting with the Breast Care nurse Helen that afternoon was the first positive feeling appointment I’d had since this all began. It was really good to head to an appointment and know that I wasn’t going to be delivered another blow of crushing news or be sliced into. Helen calmly walked me through the journey ahead of me. She gave me pages and pages of information about resources and support services and groups. She talked to me about what to expect from the surgery and got me used to the idea that I will be having chemo for around six months, will lose my hair and will feel awful. None of it great news, but it was delivered in a way that left me feeling like its something I will be able to manage.

When I got home, I ironed and hoisted up my backdrop and placed the gown into the scene. This is the first time I feel like I might be able to handle what’s ahead. The importance of continuing to work on The Garden has never been more clear. This project is holding me together in a lot of ways.

27 Feb

It’s been a long week. I had a full body CT scan and a bone scan this week and I’m now waiting on the results. I know its important to get the full picture and I need to know what’s going on, but I am also terrified of the outcome. If my cancer has spread - there’s a whole different journey ahead of me.

We shot last Sunday. I spent the last few days of the week sewing madly and shaping the wig. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t get the wig to do what I wanted it to. In hindsight, I should have made a solid structure for the centre of the wig, but instead, I went to Bunninngs and bought a can of lacquer, hung the wig upside down and over the next few days, emptied the whole can into the hair. After a week, the wig was stiff, but not stiff enought to support its own weight. The dress was finished and ironed so the satin gleamed, catching the light and looking almost like liquid. The colours were perfect - bright and bold.

I went to work each day… one foot in front of the other, finding it impossible to really get my head into it - not knowing what the future held, but needing to write a program to teach for the year. I could not be in a more supportive and loving work environment though and I am extremely lucky to be surrounded by so much love at work.

Alice was unable to make it at short notice for this shoot. The night before the shoot, Krysta sent me a picture of a makeup look, she thought might work. It was perfect. Purples and oranges - she nailed it. The next morning, we shot in the lounge room. For those few hours, I completely forgot everything of the last few months. We laughed hysterically at the ridiculousness of the wig… but it would be absolutely perfect in post production. Krysta trusted my vision as she always does and at the end, we sat and went through the photos. When Krysta left, I was exhausted but once again, everything had come together just as I had envisioned.

Mar 1

I’ve been really struggling with the edit of the image. All the pieces are there - the raw images are exactly what I had in mind, but I can’t seem to put them together. I still haven’t gotten the results of the scans and I haven’t slept well in months now. I have a terrible feeling of dread hanging over me. My cancer is very locally advanced and its in my lymph nodes so I can’t help but think it has spread. I haven’t been able to look at any of the information the breast care nurse gave me weeks ago. I am so tired from lack of sleep and exhausted from maintaining the high level of anxiety that bubbles below the surface no matter what I am doing. Each day I am going through the motions; work, home, walk the dogs, work on the image but everything is hard. My head is clouded and my mind is racing. I have been using every technique I know to control my thoughts, to stop them racing to the worst case scenarios. This has been going on for two full months now. Each night, I fall asleep doing a guided meditation, but wake soon after. I then lie there for hours, often watching the sun rise.

Mar 2

I went to school this morning feeling exhausted and weighed down. I have had bad pain in my lower back for weeks - nothing that I have ever felt before, and I can’t help but think that it’s some sort of cancer in my organs or bones. The pain is a constant reminder that there is something wrong.

This morning at work, I was reading with a little girl under a shady tree when the phone rang. It was Helen from the McGrath foundation - my breast care nurse. She was wanting some measurements for a bra. She asked me how I was going and I told her I hadn’t received my scan results and explained to her how torturous it was becoming to wait this long. She was shocked and said that she knew the doctor had them because they had been forwarded to her. She had the results in front of her, but couldn’t tell me. She promised to call the surgery immediately and have them call me with the results. I hung up from her feeling like I was going to be sick, went to the staffroom and tried to calm myself. Why hadn’t I been called? Were they that bad?

It was three hours later when my phone finally rang, I was in a learning support team meeting. I grabbed the phone and ran out. It was the receptionist casually telling me that they hadn’t found anything concerning in my scans…. they were clear.

That moment is the biggest in the journey so far - at least on par with hearing the initial diagnosis. It took a long time for the news to sink in. The cancer is stage three and not stage four. This means EVERYTHING.

Mar 10

Since the news of my scans, everything has changed. I’ve been sleeping properly for a start. I feel as though I can do this now. I feel like I have some control. I sat down at my computer yesterday and opened the image. Suddenly it all became clear - I knew exactly what I needed to do.

I am so happy with what I have created. It is even more than the vision I had. I’ve spent the last few days tweaking and refining it and am almost done.

My surgery is tomorrow and I am insanely nervous. I know there is no other path and I have to trust the team I have looking after me. Today is my last day of school for five weeks. Mum and Dad arrive this afternoon - the house is clean, my forms are signed, everything is in its place.