One foot in front of the other
After my news a few weeks ago, I felt paralysed. My parents went back to Forster and I went back to work after the Christmas holidays. I woke up each morning, tired and stressed, went to work, going through the motions, came home, went to bed to wake up and do it all again the next day. This morning I got the call - come in to the surgery to discuss your results once again. I was at work but found the boss, told him I was leaving and within the hour I was sitting in front of a doctor as he told me I had breast cancer.
Its now 3pm. I haven’t cried. Mum and Dad rushed back to Newcastle and we took the dogs to the beach for a swim. I baked banana bread and casually took a call from the breast surgeons office to book in my appointment for next Tuesday. That’s where I will find out the extent of the cancer and what happens next apparently. We decided to post the news on Facebook so I wouldn’t have to keep telling people. Marcie wrote a beautiful and concise paragraph and I have been innundated with messages and love. It’s very surreal that they are all for me.
I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. To keep moving forward. To keep this project happening. I will need it more than ever. This will keep me sane.
Feb 12
I’ve been pushing myself to get some momentum. I set up my music studio the other day and began writing music for the first time in more than three years. I began by writing the music that will go with the Midnight Mist and Awake images. It’s been cathartic to begin that process. Its also sparked some inspiration to continue the series. I am drawn to to new ideas. Two images that I am going to begin working on today. They are in completely different directions from each other - I guess representing the two sides I am experiencing in this wild journey I find myself on.
The first image is going to be dark but vibrant. The image will be based around the bird of paradise flower. I want to create a dress from rich coloured satin in purple, orange and red. The scene will be tropical and jungly. The image will be stark and quite harsh - even jarring. I want to use sharp, angular shapes and I feel like I might shoot it from close to the ground to give the feeling of being towered over.
The second image is soft and quiet. It will be dark greys and blue. I am going to make a human sized nest, a flowing blue dress and shoot it from above with the model curled safely in the foetal position.
These two images are the clearest visions I have had so far. I can see it all right down the shape of the bodies and the expressions on the faces. The contrast between the two images are representative of the gamet of emotions I am feeling at the momement. The Bird of Paradise image is a slap in the face - big and a menacing. The nest image is safety and quiet - being home.
On Tuesday I meet with the surgeon to forge the next chapter in this crazy story. I know I’m looking at some pretty intense surgery. I am really hoping to shoot one of these images before I go to hospital. Having the photo to work on while I’m in there would be so good for my mind - the very best distraction I could think of. This idea is driving me forward.
It’s early Sunday morning. I began sewing the Bird of Paradise dress on Friday. It’s so exciting to watch it taking shape on the mannequin in my lounge room. I had ordered a round kid’s pool to begin building my nest in and it arrived on Friday too. I took it out of the box on Saturday to discover that it is WAY too big and that inspired me to begin thinking about another image I’ve had in my mind for months where I needed to shoot the model in a pool. It’s so good to be busy and inspired again. The worst parts of this whole nightmare so far have been waking in the morning and not having a purpose to get out of bed. I have always needed to have a creative project on the go and I guess now it is more important than ever.